I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs