I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*


After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.


what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow


[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home


Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch


Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.


Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.


I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.


I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.