I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”