My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
how to market bottled water to dads
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.