@LookAwayMomDad

I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.

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@ClichedOut

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

@Jessdaisy

Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.

@hippieswordfish

ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@heytonyiscool

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.