I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.

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doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me


Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.


ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon


Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.


I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*


Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.


House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.


Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.