COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that