I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Don’t snitch tag.