I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
a god among men
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious