I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
For those that worship cheese..
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane