I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer