I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
This took me a second..
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
what could possibly go wrong?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.