I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
look at me when i’m typing to you
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
a fate I wish upon no one
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY