@envydatropic

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

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@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@SamGrittner

Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

@susiezennario

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

@longwall26

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

@Jeff_Ross_MD

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.