This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Password is incorrect”
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.