@NotKevinSheedy

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

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@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@PopSlapFunk

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.

@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

@KKBowls

I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’

@Gupton68

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

@just1fool

5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

@Phoebetate

So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?

@linkindrinkin

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

@Jesus_M_Christ

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.