ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
5: “Why is the moon so bright?”
Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”
Moon: “I heard that.”
So I’m still newish around here…
What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.