I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
This came to me in a dream.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment