I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.