I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Put my back out twerking in the library again
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!