I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
As the Lord intended
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.