Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don’t give someone a reason to talk to me
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.
*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi