@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

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@decentbirthday

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@NickAmadeus

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

@thepaulahunt

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don’t give someone a reason to talk to me

@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi