Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen