I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

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*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright


*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?


I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.


Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….


I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.


When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.


Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.


My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.