nature’s most graceful animal
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.