Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.