I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.