I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My dog learned how to text
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer