I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.