PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
#merica
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.