I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If I ignore life will it go away?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Just why bro?!
I have a black belt in leather
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Attacked by a mop.