I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Geez man, take it easy.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.