I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.