I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke