I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.