I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
i hope my email finds you on fire
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday