*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
wtf is an acronym
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
why no one uses midhusbands
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.