I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
sistine chapel
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Cardio Made Easy
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.