I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
You Might Also Like
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
im all 3
lmfao
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“what that mouth do?” complain
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…