I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants