You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
You Might Also Like
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.