I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?


After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.


if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito


Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.


After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.


I do this thing where I reply “Maybe” to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she’s planned.

I sleep on the couch a lot.


I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.


Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down