I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]
Omg I didn’t know you hunt!
[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”
I unironically love this joke.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.