@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

You Might Also Like

@Quartzjixler

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

@ConanOBrien

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@NewDadNotes

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

@PaperWash

[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”

@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.