@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@Smethanie

Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.

@CrazyClarine

After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.

@thestlouisan

I do this thing where I reply “Maybe” to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she’s planned.

I sleep on the couch a lot.

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@crownjuul

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down