@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

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@a_simpl_man

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

@ShaunRightNow

Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@UncleDuke1969

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Most women love it when you play with their hair in public

Their husbands not so much

@internetluke

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

@lmwortho

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.