It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
romance is dead
Most women love it when you play with their hair in public
Their husbands not so much
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.