I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.


No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.


If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.


Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.


God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!


[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”


You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.