@Quartzjixler
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
@dadmann_walking
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
You Might Also Like
@Quartzjixler
@Bedlam_Beersie
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
@TheDairylandDon
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
@ConanOBrien
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
@PoodleSnarf
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
@wife_housy
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
@NewDadNotes
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
@PaperWash
[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]
Omg I didn’t know you hunt!
[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”
@AliPlumb
I unironically love this joke.
@sixfootcandy
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.