I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though