I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.