My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.