I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”


Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it’s a seance and you’re dead.


If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza


If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.


Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants


JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit


Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.


ME: What an emotional roller coaster

ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?


Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.