@BoozeWallet

I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

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@0point5twins

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

@girlontapas

I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

@wickedsuga

I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

@hasht4g

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@shopkins776

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@Girl15Gone

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”