I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

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My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.


I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.


My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.


since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.