“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…