*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
[Baby trying to say first words]
Me: cmon son
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”