Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
😂😂
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.