According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.