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@GuyThe_Guy: I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
@Reverend_Scott: salesman: you'll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
@sweetg35: In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
@TweetPotato314: “I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” - guy about to invent the R.V.
@mommy_cusses: Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.
@The_JRM: The reason my daughter wasn't nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn't seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.