‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
What do we want?
DRESSES WITH POCKETS!
How do we want them?
FILLED WITH SNACKS!
What kind of snacks?
PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”
Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht