@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

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@3sunzzz

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

@UltimaShadowX

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

@MNateShyamalan

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

@MartiSchodt

What do we want?

DRESSES WITH POCKETS!

How do we want them?

FILLED WITH SNACKS!

What kind of snacks?

PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@HanukkahKandle

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

@botandy

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht