I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Rather alarming headline…
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
We’ve all been there…
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring