I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.