I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable