I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.