I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job