@jellybnbonanza

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

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@Spaziotwat

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

@wallin_monica

My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young

@MNateShyamalan

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

@TheBoydP

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

@MsSkaarsgard

Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.

Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.

@ASmallFiction

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@PuncherJetpack

Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one

@dumbbeezie

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.