I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
worst…sale…ever
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.