I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over


My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young


[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds



angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho


“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably


Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.

Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.


“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”


I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.


Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one


The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare


I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.