Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
You Might Also Like
I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.
ME: what is an IV for
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”