I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*


I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.


ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.


EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*


a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists


The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.


I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.


Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”