@occupied_stall

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

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@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@daynamcalpine_

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

@duplicitron

The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@MicheleAKALips

Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”