I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
You Might Also Like
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
(Gaming support cat.)
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
marvel comics have peaked
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
what could possibly go wrong?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.