I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.