Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”