I pray every night that I never become religious…
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Battery falling down a hole
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight